A Millennial Rant About Sunday Driving

 

 

A Millennial Rant about Sunday Driving

How dare you! You are personally responsible for ruining the world by simply refusing to do this one simple thing. Sure, you may have good reasons like lack of time, lack of money, or lack of interest; but I consider it a personal affront to my millennial dignity that you are not going out Sunday Driving!

Right now, “the establishment” is telling us to do “more important things” like watching the debates, listening to pop music, eating organic food, and using less gas because we’re ruining the planet. Well I say that’s hogwash and balderdash, (The cool kids use words like that right?) and I’ll give you 3 good reasons to go Sunday driving that have nothing to do with politics, religion, or sports (because I’m told those are scary topics.

1. WATCHING TV IS NOT GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPIER

Trust me, I’m an expert on television considering I don’t own one. You think this 25,000th republican primary debate is going to be any more enlightening than the last 24,999? You think that some how your hope for the return of quality script writing will be restored by the drama in the latest episode of Madame Secretary? You think that the only way your team is going to win the bowl or cup or whatever other piece of dinnerware they are competing for is if you paint your chest and yell at the television set while you eat cheese puffs? (Oops, I’ve already broken 2 of my rules… I wonder if I can break another) I have to tell you, you won’t learn anything new, hope won’t be restored, and your team is probably going to lose anyway (and besides, you are an adult. Chest paint looks rather silly on you.) You know what would make you happier? Getting in your car, rolling down the windows, and going for a Sunday Drive.

Trust me, I’m a millennial and as such, I have had 25 years to become an expert on all things. (And if I got anything wrong I’ll just edit the Wikipedia page to make it right.

2. YOUR KIDS ARE GOING TO DIE IF YOU STAY HOME

Trust me its happened at least a million times in my house already. The parenting blogs tell us that our kids are going to be poisoned to death because they ate too many canned green beans, they are going to end up joining a gang and get shot because you didn’t use enough of the approved words of affection while they were learning to talk, and they will never become president if you don’t take out a mortgage to buy that new, organic, hand made, lead free, educational, wooden toy for them to play with. It’s quite a sad reality, every single one of my toddlers (both of them) have already done all of those things. What is the solution? Tie them down into a 5 point harness (especially the teenagers), roll down the windows and drive down some road you haven’t gone down before. If they complain, remind them that this is for their own good. Afterall, you’re just trying to keep them from being emotionally scarred by that “Trump Sign” they would see if you didn’t restrain them. (Darn I just broke a rule again.) Your kids will thank you, and you can thank me when after 15 years of kicking and screaming in the car your son smiles at you and excitedly points out a cow on the side of the road. That’s when you have a #parentwin.

3A. YOU MIGHT MISS SOMETHING!

*Ping* Aren’t you going to check that? You just got another notification on Facebook. Maybe you got invited to a party? Maybe the Pope messaged you about that blog post you just wrote and wanted you to know he retweeted it @pontifex (I think that counts as talking about religion) and OMG I can’t believe Kanye West said that! What will Kim do now?

I wouldn’t blame you for not reacting with superhuman reflexes and in fact I’m discouraging it. I personally find it insulting that the 1% of people who have written books on personal happiness never mention Sunday driving as a way to lower those stress levels; but I will pick myself up from that assault to applaud them for recommending you turn off your phone from time to time. Sunday Driving is a fantastic way to ensure that you miss something.

3B. YOU MIGHT MISS SOMETHING!

If you answered yes to question 3a, you are most certainly going to miss something. I’ve been Sunday driving for 2 whole months (that makes me an expert right?) and in that time I have learned that churches have fascinating histories, politicians have always been crooks, and toddlers eventually stop throwing fits and enjoy looking out the window. And I didn’t have to be wired in to facespace or the pinternet to learn that. I came, I saw, I learned. And now I learn with superhuman strength because I’m looking for it. “That house looks old? Who lived there? Was he a politician? Did he shoot someone? I’ll bet he was rich!” There’s a story down every road and you’re going to miss it if you don’t look out the window from time to time.

TRUST THE SCIENCE

Quite frankly, I could go on but I shouldn’t have to. Trust the science on this one. 97% of experts agree with me and the other 3% are just a bunch of deniers. We took a quality sample of 5 people and 80% of them responded positively when subjected to a Sunday Drive. Only 20% of them fell asleep, but we’re considering that a positive result as well. And with results like that, I think our next president should mandate that everyone drive at least 50 miles each Sunday and if you are unable to afford a Sunday Drive, one of the approved writers at Driving on Sunday will provide one for you. This is about basic human dignity here. Sunday Drives are a right that we all deserve. But since I can’t convince you, I’m just going to crawl into my safe space… it’s a mini-van.

 

 

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